I know.  I know.  I KNOW!  But sometimes, I can’t help it.

Despite appearances – blog, a Facebook page, competing, I am an introvert.  I don’t interact with many people online or in person.  When I do explore and see what others are doing, like I did this morning, I never get jealous about appearances, but I do get jealous about lifting.  My initial response is “Yay you!!”  And then sometimes, it turns inward in an unhelpful way.  It’s inspiring if they are advanced lifters, but when I see women doing things I should be able to do – like squat anything over 130 pounds, I get bummed.  I have a few things I do pretty well, but cable pulldowns aren’t really all that sexy in the lifting world.   I get a little attention because of my age and that I didn’t quit.  And neither of those things impress me much.  I still have only been lifting for a few years and I am currently in an extended “improvement season”, which means I’m just putting in work.  Nothing truly exciting is going on.  I have a brand new Inzer lever belt I haven’t used because I don’t have heavy leg work in my program because I couldn’t do it.  So I’m putting in work to get to be able to do it in the future.  And it pisses me off when I see that belt just laying there in my car.  Waiting.  Heck – for a few weeks, I left it in the box it came in.  Just got it put together last week.  Now it’s riding around in my car.

I see people doing things I wish I could do and it’s a reminder that I’m really just average.  And getting older.  I haven’t been the new and shiny for a long time.   Feeling average and old – not reality, just feelings.  And then I see someone doing something I should be able to do, I look at what I’m posting, and my ego gets served up.  Ego on a plate.  Nom. Nom. Nom.  And that’s OK.  I’m an intermediate lifter now, I’m told.  Things will happen slower.  Things will be less dramatic.

I can’t lie – everyday I have to recommit to staying public because I think what I’m doing is a little boring and I’d like to just do the work and not be distracted.  I like to keep to myself – which is why blogging is better for me than Facebook.  But I am an average blogger – I’m not a funny blogger , I don’t have time to research so I’m not an informational blogger.  I’m not really doing anything here except documenting my journey.  The Facebook page is harder to keep up and maintain.  Trolls abound.  So much more negativity to deal with over there.  The videos are a little work to do, but the hardest part is putting those visuals up and hoping people don’t think I’m overly impressed with myself – which I definitely am not.  I think about the energy and the time I would save if I just stopped being public.

And then I remember why I don’t want to stop posting.

I remember what it felt like to walk into that gym when I believed I did not belong there.  I remember what it felt like to be embarrassed to have let myself get into that condition.  I remember how it felt to have to pay strangers to help me and trust that they knew what they were doing and weren’t just taking my money and going through the motions. (And that is why I get ENRAGED when I see bad training and bad coaching.  These women are trusting you, assholes, and you’re not even bothering to correct bad form and then dismiss science.  Just keep them emotionally dependent, usually injured,  eating almost nothing, doing hours of cardio, and guilt them when their metabolisms adapt and they stop losing weight – anything to keep them hooked into your ‘old school approach’.  I even saw a coach berate clients on his Facebook page for not following his ‘old school’ program.  Jerk.)  I remember how hard it was to change my daily life.  I remember the guilt I had because the people around me were basically forced to adjust their routines because of my decision.  It took a lot of courage and faith to do those things when body-image and self-confidence weren’t great.

Every time I get ready to quit being public, I hear from someone who borrowed some courage from me.

I don’t really care if I’m “inspirational”.  I don’t care how many people are following.  To be honest, it’s a lot of pressure to keep posting when I’m feeling very – average.  But there is something about what I’m doing that seems to be helpful, so unless something comes up that prevents me from keeping up the public part of my program, I’ll continue.  I guess I felt like I needed to say out loud that whenever my ego gets a little too inflated, there is a pin right there to pop it.  I still need a bit of courage to do what I do.

But if you need to borrow some, help yourself.  I don’t think it runs out.

 

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