TAMMY vs. ____

It feels like I’m constantly battling against some obstacle.  It’s usually a cranky hip.  Sometimes, the pissy back jumps in to help out her cranky buddy. Did I really just say that my back has my hip’s back?  That’s silly.

Sometimes, it’s just my f’d-up geometry.  (Scoliosis, flat feet, bunions)

Sometimes, it’s my job.  Had to put in academic warnings today.  Third quarter academic warnings are always tough.  Makes me question why I bother.  Should get a job in an office somewhere.  At a nice, quiet desk job.

But sometimes, my opponent is more – formidable.

TAMMY VS. TAMMY

I had progress pics and got a DXA bodyfat analysis done.  I sent all the data off for a second opinion.  I’m not going to share specifics just yet.  I’m still in shock.  And I’m probably overreacting.  But the inner voice I’m battling tonight is repeating “You just wasted the last three months.”  And then it goes to the really scary place – “You’re too old for this.  You’re not an athlete.  What were you thinking?”

And after a certain amount of time to process that, a very quiet and calm voice slowly begins the pep-talk.  She reminds me that setbacks are normal and they are necessary.  She reminds me that I do this because I love the activity of doing it.  I do it to overcome fear.  I do it to repeatedly fall and get up.  Every setback is a lesson that needs to be learned.

So the most frustrating and inspiring part of bodybuilding is the continual opportunity to grow psychologically stronger as my ego repeatedly is handed to me on a platter.  I want to quit.  I want to hide.  I want to crawl out of public view.  But what I think of as a major setback is really nothing in the big picture.  This is anything but a life and death situation.  This isn’t important.  It’s just a setback.  It’s just an ego check.

I’m learning.  I’m listening.

Yeah, I have my battles.  Because I know I want to hide when things are tough, hide and feel sorry for myself with nachos and ice cream – that’s why I started this blog and the Facebook page sometime later.  I need to keep pushing myself out of the comfortable place and out in the open.  I never wanted to be ‘inspirational’.  I want to be held accountable.  I wanted more support.

I’m trying to build as much muscle as possible.  I’m trying to get bigger and stronger.  Ultimately, I’m putting myself through a challenge every day.  My body just isn’t cooperating right now.  The psychological part of this is so much harder than the physical.  That’s the challenge, I guess.

The news I got today isn’t the issue – it’s just data.  What I’m writing about is the real obstacle – the mental game.  The mental gymnastics, the uncertainty, the questioning…that’s the rub.

Sometimes, all that’s required is faith, patience, and courage.

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