It doesn’t happen often, but there are days like today when I feel old.
It’s not something that I think about very much. I’m usually focused on the tasks of the day.
But then something happens or something is said that pushes me out of my present and I see my life in total. I see where it might be going. I get a little panicked by the thought…
“Is this all there is?”
I was born 51 years and 7 months ago today. Middle-aged. Likely more like two-thirds aged.
I work with young people all day. Teenagers at work. Colleagues that are younger. The other trainers I work with at my second job are a lot younger. It’s weird and a little insulting to be lectured to by people who discount life experience and an 18 year career as a teacher. (FYI – teaching high school math has a skill set that translates very well to personal training.) Don’t get me wrong – there is a lot, A LOT, that I want to learn. But I’m not without a clue.
And in the fitness side of my life, one’s appearance has more importance than it deserves. Too many young people are trying to find fulfillment chasing things that don’t matter. The preoccupation with youth and sexual attractiveness was front and center all day online and in conversations.
I can imagine that many of you are reading this thinking that it is very odd that I’m writing about this because I made this transformation. Maybe you think I get this kind of attention? I’d be shocked if you thought I did. I don’t. I don’t want it, either. I also don’t react very well to the “for your age” kind of compliments.
And normally I don’t feel like this. But for some reason today, I’m feeling a little less… empowered… than normal. Maybe it’s because my gray roots are just a little too visible and I can’t get in to have them colored for another month. Or maybe it’s that the skin on my face and elsewhere is a little droopy. It’s probably a menopause mood swing
she types shaking her head and rolling her eyes thinking yeah that’s probably it. When can a girl get a break here? PMS and then menopause?
I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’m not particularly proud or ashamed of my age – it’s just a fact that I’ve been alive 18,629 days. JFK was president when I was born. In fact, he had a press conference on that day. My birth was not discussed. 😉
Maybe the weird sadness I’m feeling is just a disconnect between how I see myself, how I feel, and how I interpret how people have been relating to me lately. But honestly, by just the numbers, I could easily be the mother (or even grandmother) of most people I interact with these days.
A whole lot of my followers are older than I am. I hope you understand that this is just a weird day. You’ve probably had them yourself. I’m sure some are analyzing now – don’t bother. I’m not denying a little “mid-life crisis”, “aging un-gracefully”, or “fear of death” action going on in my head. It’s just weird that I’m not shaking it off as quickly today as I usually do.
I did pay the entry fee to play strong woman next Saturday. I’m not particularly thrilled with the idea that I have to cut weight this week to make the “under 145 lbs” class. I weighed 146 this morning first thing, so assuming issues with different scales, I should try to drop around 5 pounds. That just annoys me. Cutting water is not super fun.
OK – that’s all the self-absorbed whining I can tolerate tonight.