This was week #204 since I started, and  5 weeks to next competition. This is only my second show, and while I don’t really have that ‘fear of the unknown’ going on, I still feel like a newb.  But this prep feels different.  I feel more “aware” than I did last summer.  I’m noticing things I didn’t notice before.  Or it really is different because the time of the year is different.   I know I was more excited last year.  I was more motivated to reach the goal.  Maybe my focus is off.

This was a good week for workouts.  My upper body work is heavier than ever.  My lower body work is still a lot – a lot – lighter.  The November injury to my hip has made that side so much weaker.  However, it doesn’t look like I’ve lost a lot of muscle.  Coach has done a good job with the leg program to work around the issues.

   

I am dealing with focus issues.  I love my gym, but it’s getting too small.   There are LOTS of competitors in this gym prepping for the same show.  There is too much “advice” being offered or gym gossip about how certain coaches do contest prep.   Every single day there are figure and bikini competitors standing around talking about cardio.  (Really?  How often can you talk about minutes spent on a machine?)    I suspect people are watching competitors to see how their prep is going.  Someone who doesn’t normally talk to me, interrupted my workout to ask which show I was going to do – again.  Pretty sure this same person has asked before.  It struck me weird.  Maybe it was innocent, but I got the impression that the intention was to check up on my coaching.  That pissed me off.   When I shared the story with Coach, he told me that this is “part of the game” and that I had to get used to it and shake it off.  Grrrr…  

My gym has been too busy, too.  It’s very annoying to have to walk around groups of 4 or 5 guys just standing around while one guy does a set.  The benches in the dumbbell area are too crowded.  Someone seems to be on equipment I need to use.  Grrrr…

I got a ticket for using my cell phone in the car this week, too.   I was at a red light and I plugged it in to charge.  The screen has a lock on it, so I had to tap the code to unlock it to check notifications.  That’s what I got a ticket for.  I wasn’t texting.  I wasn’t making a call.  And I wasn’t moving.  Grrrrr…

The end of the school year is coming up fast.  There is a TON of grading to do.  Not easy grading either.  Lots of distractions.  People want to have meetings to plan things for next year.  All kinds of interruptions to class time that need to be navigated as a teacher tries to get kids ready for final exams.   Kids who want to do anything BUT get ready for final exams.  Grrr…

And after I blogged about not knowing my “numbers”, Coach decided he wanted to check body fat.  Awesome. (Guess he doesn’t read this blog.)  Of course, it’s too high.  I’m 51 and the equations have that stupid “age adjustment” that always makes it too high.  Coach made a few negative noises and then tried to backtrack to reframe it.  It’s true, I’ve lost body fat on this cut, but it’s going slowly.  He says we’ll still make the show, and I believe that to be true, but I know he has a vested interest in me making this particular show since it’s a big local show.  Good PR for him.  Would he tell me the truth?  I’m about 90% sure he would and 100% sure that it doesn’t matter what he thinks – it matters what I think and do.  Grrr…

And at 5 weeks today, the diet just took a nasty turn.  That was going to happen anyway, regardless of the body fat number.  This is the point when I have very little variety in my food choices.  Grrr…

Not going to spell it out.  The last thing I need right now is some online stranger critiquing my diet.   Anyone who is really interested can contact my coach and hire him.   Sorry – but you gotta know that for every one innocent question, there are three emails asking for free meal plans or coaching.  Anyone with a fitness page knows exactly what I’m talking about.  

So this morning when I woke up, my inner fat chick’s voice was louder than usual, my inner kid who wants to eat pancakes for breakfast instead of chicken was whining “this is not fair”, my inner control freak is second guessing everything. And the cherry on the top of the day is that it’s a rest day – a much needed one with no cardio or anything.  Rest days are notorious for mental gymnastics even when the perception is that things are going well.  Grrrr…

I want to disengage from all of it – the gym, the inner dialogue, life drama  – all of it.

You know what I want to do?  I want to go into hiding in Siberia and train in a barn.  Like Rocky.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SUzcDUERLo]

I have started to move my cardio work to the early mornings at school – bleachers and stairs are better anyway.  Better workouts and better for my focus.  Outside, just me and those bleachers.  At the gym, I’ll use the prowler.  I’ll add more weight on it now.  (Sadly, I’ve been grounded from tire flipping.  It’s not the best HIIT cardio and it does bruise up my arms.)

   

I do belong to another gym and I might start using it more often.  It has a nice cardio room for posing practice.  No one knows me there because I don’t use that gym much.  It’s more of a fitness corporate type of gym, so it won’t have some specialized equipment, but I can get my work done.  And coach is going out of town for a week, so I don’t have to navigate my workouts around his schedule.

And this morning, I’m writing this blog out on the patio with a cup of coffee.  Chillaxin.  Sorting out my negative thoughts, dealing with them, and putting them away by writing this post.

It’s a good time to go to Siberia, I think.  It would be awesome if I could just train in Siberia and show up at the show.  Sounds like a plan.  I can’t control anything except what I do.  Headphones on.  Sweats on.  Work my ass off.  Listen to Coach.  Eat what I’m supposed to eat.  Practice posing.  Order the suit.  This I can do.

Focus.

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