For the first couple of days after my show, I gave myself permission to indulge with food. Serving sizes were moderate, but I had a lot of things I haven’t had in a long, long time. Years even. I knew I was breaking my own rules about food. (“food is fuel, not reward”) But by indulging for a short time, I felt like a “normal” person again. Not rigid and disciplined. I could share a meal with my hubby. Very nice.

By Tuesday, I thought I was over it and would get back on my regular food. I did for most meals. Had to. My body was not reacting well to the “fun” food choices I had made. I knew I wasn’t feeding it properly to heal. But I wasn’t done. I actually did well most of the day, but continued to cheat in the evenings.

Here it is Friday and I’m very disappointed with myself because today, I know I’m truly emotionally eating, not eating smart. “I deserve this because…”. That is a dangerous place for me to be. There are big, hairy, monster-sized stresses that I used to feed, but learned to manage with exercise and clean eating. Tonight, I didn’t binge, but I’m not happy with my choices. The rest of my day was full of clean food. Just lost control around 5:00 pm.

But maybe this old, familiar, feeling of frustration and sadness is my signal that I’m done. I’m not enjoying it. I need the gym. I need to end this rest week and lift. I don’t care if I have to drop the weights. I need to lift. It’s how I process and spit out anxiety.

I also need to pull out the 2013 summer calendar and pick the next show so I can have a goal. I doubt I’ll do the one I just did because school starts earlier in August next year. And while I had a great time overall, I do feel a little confused/slighted about why I haven’t received an explanation or an apology about that “people’s choice” mishap. Maybe I should consider a national qualifier? That would certainly be a motivating goal! Big enough to make me put down the pizza.

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