My friend Channell posted this video on Facebook yesterday.
Reflecting on what she said, I am trying to sort out the fears I have about my first competition. Here are the Big Scary Monster Fears I’m slaying this week:
Fear of unknown…
I think this is just like Tara explained. I want to know what’s going to happen and I want to control details. Easy enough to accept and overcome. I just close my eyes and remind myself that I’m strapped into this roller coaster and I won’t fall out. I will many people around me to help, too.
Fear of Exposure…
Discussed this before. Did you ever have that dream where you were at school in your pajamas? Feels a little like that. I’m uncomfortable walking around the house in my underwear, so hey, let’s put on a bikini and get on a stage?!? I’ve decided this is definately a left-over “fat chick” issue. To overcome it, I’m just taking off my clothes in front of people as much as possible. No, I’m not stripping. More innocent stuff like working out with my shirt tied up to expose my stomach – which is helping me remember to “vacuum” my abs, too.
Fear of Success…
Stepping out onto that stage represents the culmination of three years of work and self-discipline. It is also a 25 year dream coming true. It’s about making a statement to the people who told me I couldn’t do this. It’s about doing it for the ones who can’t. I’m proud. I’m humbled. Part of me feels separate and I’m watching this thinking, “Damn – is she really going to do it?” At least once a day, I get overwhelmed by this and have a little cry. I’m tired right now, a little carb depleted, and I don’t have words to describe this fear adequately. “Awe” is a good word.
I’m having an inappropriate reaction to the comment “you’re going to do well” from people. It’s a sincere comment meant to encourage me. I always say “thank you”, but there is a voice in my head that asks “how can you possibly know that?” Very grateful to hear it, all the same. I’ve decided that when I hear that little voice in my head, I’m going to change the script to “Damn right – just wait. Watch me” and let that feeling fuel my transformation this week from BadAss GymRockStar to BadAss StageRockStar. Practice posing. Practice posing. PRACTICE POSING!! I’ve asked my Facebook friends to send me little quotes or pictures throughout this week. Lots of triggers to engage my transformation to my new “BadAss I Own This Stage” persona. I have amazing friends, especially Dawn – who I’ve sat with at a couple of shows, so this will be a very surreal experience for us. So grateful for her.
Carb deplete is underway. 22 grams yesterday, 22 grams today, and now NO carbs until the reload on Friday. I’m stocked up with chicken breasts and extra lean ground turkey. Please forgive the quality of the blog posts as the week progresses. I decided this morning that I will THRIVE during Peak Week. I may forget things, lose things, be irritable and weepy, but I know this is just a little transformation pain. Caterpillar, cocoon, butterfly kind of thing.
Here are today’s progress pics. My focus wasn’t there, so my facial expressions are funky weird. Got 5 days to unlearn “awkward”. And learn how to stand up straight – that’s my scoliosis. Gotta figure out how to compensate for that while flexing everything at the same time.