Finding peace is a daily task.  The other day I mentioned a study where researchers found a physical reaction in the brain to “unfairness”.  I think the stress of the last few months of being treated disrespectfully “rewired” my brain a little bit.  I had been feeling insecure and beaten.   I tried to make a happy ending and it blew up.  Oh well.  An ending was what I wanted.  A good result was that I learned a lot about the stress hormone cortisol.  It probably chewed up my muscle, so I devised a plan to start repairs. Got some supplements to deal with the cortisol level.  I started meditation and getting regular massages.  I’ve been practicing different responses to things that trigger a stress response.  I’ve been reminding myself that the time I lost isn’t really a problem if I don’t get too attached to being ready for a specific show.  It’s working.  I feel peaceful.  I feel strong.  I feel like myself again.  I may be ready anyway.  But if I’m not, and I have to wait another year, that’s OK.

Patience is something I must practice. For me, patience means listening to what my body is trying to tell me.  For example, I’m eating more.  Not because anyone told me to, but because it’s what I feel I need.  I’m resting more.  My weight is somewhat stable.  I gained about 3 pounds over Thanksgiving and I’ve lost most of it already.  But as my weight isn’t changing much, I feel ‘bigger’.  My skin feels tighter.  I think I’m growing muscle again.  Won’t know for sure what’s happening until I get my body fat checked, but I feel good.

I need to be patient with myself.  Even if I do everything perfectly – diet, rest, workouts – the body will grow muscle at the rate it grows muscle.  I’m fairly certain this is NOT a linear process.  There will be weeks when there is progress and there will be weeks when things appear to be stalled.  But they aren’t.  I may need a couple of workouts to grow the next layer.  I’m not linear.  I think I’m an increasing cubic function, actually.  Big increases, a little plateau that appears to be a flat line, but it’s still increasing – just need to wait.

Hahahahaha!  I’m such a math nerd.

The human body is a miraculous thing.  Bodybuilding is my art – sculpture – that takes a L O N G time.  I know if I look at pictures of other women’s physiques, I get impatient.  I feel insecure.  I’ve decided to not do that too much.  I must focus on doing better today than I did yesterday.  I’m learning that I have ebbs and flows in my strength.  Some weeks I’m lifting heavier and other weeks I’m not.  I’ve decided not to worry about that.  I feel it’s a function of recovery.  It might take a little longer than a week for my pecs to heal up.  That’s cool.

No matter what numbers I’m putting up, I’m excited to see how my body is transforming.  I must focus on being patient and relaxed.  Stress creates cortisol and cortisol eats muscle. I will focus on the activity of it.  I LOVE TO LIFT!  I look forward to every workout.  I’m doing it.  I’m at the gym twice a day.  I’m lifting heavy.  I’m doing my cardio.  I’m eating clean.  I’m doing it.  Just have to be patient.

Change is happening in it’s own time.

New personal record for dead lift this morning.  219 pounds for 2 reps.  That’s 148% of my body weight.  It was 143% last week.  I think next week I’ll bring the weight down a little and focus on form and more reps.  That’s what I did for three weeks prior to these two weeks of max lifts.  But it just feels too darn good!  I’m warming up with more weight.  I used to put on my belt at 135 pounds.  Now I don’t need it until I get up to 177.  Still not using straps on the dead lift.  Maybe if I did, I’d be able to do more than 2 reps!  Oh well.  

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