It’s 3:20 am. I’ve had only two hours of sleep. I’m agitated, fretting, and excited all at the same time. Tonight I finally made the long-time-coming decision to move forward without Trainer. I hung on longer than comfortable for everyone concerned, I think.

My blog from last Saturday about being rejected for coaching is the beginning of a couple of days of kicks to the head. Today I learned I was asked to purchase training because of the amount of work they believe they will need to do to get my program on track. Really? I’m on a program designed by their trainer. After a year of training with someone I think is brilliant, why am I that far off? How? No one will give me specifics, even when I asked directly, so I have no idea what I’d be getting if I invested more money in training at this point. The compromise offered that I can afford, which is what I thought I wanted, just seems like a dumb thing to continue now that I’ve been told it’s flawed. So for a reduced rate, I can continue with something they say is not adequate or I could commit to pay a lot more just to find out what’s wrong with it?? I suspect this all is a big misunderstanding, and everyone has had the best intentions all along, but phone calls are not returned so I can’t have the conversation. So frustrated and confused. Feeling a little betrayed. Walking away seems like the smart thing to do at this point. The self-doubt whispers were increasing with the rejection, and then they started screaming. (As I edit this a few hours later…I’m good. I’m relieved to be getting some distance from this weird, regretful, disappointing, situation.)

And as wonderful as Trainer has been, things between us, from my end, have been strained and awkward. The effectiveness of our communication deteriorated. And that’s been a distraction. My reaction to his move to the new gym messed up my focus for weeks. That’s weakness on my part. All based on fear. Fear that I can’t do this alone. Fear that I’m not smart enough. Fear that I would be wasting my time working out alone. Fear that I might get hurt. And fear that I would lose my friend if we weren’t interacting as much (but sadly, that may have already happened). Fear, fear, fear.

Thinking I could coerce him into coaching me and negotiatating a deal with his new gym because I can’t afford training – that’s weakness on my part, too. I found the quote above about begging for something I have the power to earn on my Facebook friend Nicole’s wall about 30 min ago. It’s absolutely the perfect message for me to read tonight as I lose sleep worried about what will happen next.

Financially, things are tough for us like they are for so many people. I cannot throw money at this anymore without planning for it. I might need training again – but not until spring. The plan has been that I would save up for it.

I’ve said all along that I will follow the path as it’s laid out in front of me. Even if I cannot see the next step, I will trust that my foot will land on something solid. I have to trust that God will send me the strength and the guidance I need to keep going. I may have been fighting against His plan these last few months. As I say this, I feel stupid for thinking God has a plan for my bodybuilding, but I spend my days in places where I can influence positive change. Last week, several students asked me questions about fitness and nutrition. I get questions from adults every day. Every so often, a member at the gym needs to talk and get encouragement. It still seems like a small thing, compared to bigger issues, but who knows? Could be a heart attack averted in someone’s family because of a conversation. You never know, right? There is clearly another lesson here for me to learn.

So, when I woke up and could not go back to sleep, I got up and decided to blog. This is how I process. Each time I write one of these deep, sad, reflection blogs, I promise myself to write a funny one next time. But I suck at bringing the funny these days. That’s also telling, isn’t it?

And I also brought out my old buddy – the scale. She’s been my consistent companion for the whole journey. I know I said I wouldn’t weight myself until measurements were done, but I really needed a number today. 146.8 pounds. I’ve dropped. Good. There have been comments made in the last week to me about how I’m looking leaner, but I didn’t think much of it. I haven’t been trying to drop. I’ve been trying to grow muscle and loose a little fat, but mostly just maintain my weight. I’ve been eating a ton and lifting heavier. Each workout, I’m lifting a new personal record on something. This is why I can’t figure out why I’m not a good prospect for coaching. A few minutes of instruction and I soaked it up like a sponge. Implemented suggestions immediately, and in just two weeks, I’m seeing results. It’s ironic. Just as I feel like I’m making big leaps forward in my development, I have a setback in the program. Gotta shake it off and keep pushing forward.

I’m going to head to the gym in a little bit. No sleep? No matter. Workouts happen. My teaching might suck today, and I’m probably going to modify the back workout later, but I won’t skip workouts. I’m supposed to do dead lifts today. If I’m feeling weak from lack of sleep, that seems like a bad idea. I carry stress in my back and stress + tired + dead lifts, even light dead lifts today just seems like asking for an injury. I’ll do extra sets of pull ups. I like how my lats are coming in anyway. When I flare them, it makes my waist look smaller from behind. That was the plan. They could use a little more love.

Hahahahaha! I start out talking about fear and self doubt and end up talking about my new baby lat spread. I love it. This is why I blog. Work it all out…MOVE THE F__K ON.

This is going to be a great book if I ever do it.

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