It’s 3:20 am. I’ve had only two hours of sleep. I’m agitated, fretting, and excited all at the same time. Tonight I finally made the long-time-coming decision to move forward without Trainer. I hung on longer than comfortable for everyone concerned, I think.
My blog from last Saturday about being rejected for coaching is the beginning of a couple of days of kicks to the head. Today I learned I was asked to purchase training because of the amount of work they believe they will need to do to get my program on track. Really? I’m on a program designed by their trainer. After a year of training with someone I think is brilliant, why am I that far off? How? No one will give me specifics, even when I asked directly, so I have no idea what I’d be getting if I invested more money in training at this point. The compromise offered that I can afford, which is what I thought I wanted, just seems like a dumb thing to continue now that I’ve been told it’s flawed. So for a reduced rate, I can continue with something they say is not adequate or I could commit to pay a lot more just to find out what’s wrong with it?? I suspect this all is a big misunderstanding, and everyone has had the best intentions all along, but phone calls are not returned so I can’t have the conversation. So frustrated and confused. Feeling a little betrayed. Walking away seems like the smart thing to do at this point. The self-doubt whispers were increasing with the rejection, and then they started screaming. (As I edit this a few hours later…I’m good. I’m relieved to be getting some distance from this weird, regretful, disappointing, situation.)Let's connect! Follow me on social media:
And as wonderful as Trainer has been, things between us, from my end, have been strained and awkward. The effectiveness of our communication deteriorated. And that’s been a distraction. My reaction to his move to the new gym messed up my focus for weeks. That’s weakness on my part. All based on fear. Fear that I can’t do this alone. Fear that I’m not smart enough. Fear that I would be wasting my time working out alone. Fear that I might get hurt. And fear that I would lose my friend if we weren’t interacting as much (but sadly, that may have already happened). Fear, fear, fear.
Thinking I could coerce him into coaching me and negotiatating a deal with his new gym because I can’t afford training – that’s weakness on my part, too. I found the quote above about begging for something I have the power to earn on my Facebook friend Nicole’s wall about 30 min ago. It’s absolutely the perfect message for me to read tonight as I lose sleep worried about what will happen next.
Financially, things are tough for us like they are for so many people. I cannot throw money at this anymore without planning for it. I might need training again – but not until spring. The plan has been that I would save up for it.
I’ve said all along that I will follow the path as it’s laid out in front of me. Even if I cannot see the next step, I will trust that my foot will land on something solid. I have to trust that God will send me the strength and the guidance I need to keep going. I may have been fighting against His plan these last few months. As I say this, I feel stupid for thinking God has a plan for my bodybuilding, but I spend my days in places where I can influence positive change. Last week, several students asked me questions about fitness and nutrition. I get questions from adults every day. Every so often, a member at the gym needs to talk and get encouragement. It still seems like a small thing, compared to bigger issues, but who knows? Could be a heart attack averted in someone’s family because of a conversation. You never know, right? There is clearly another lesson here for me to learn.
So, when I woke up and could not go back to sleep, I got up and decided to blog. This is how I process. Each time I write one of these deep, sad, reflection blogs, I promise myself to write a funny one next time. But I suck at bringing the funny these days. That’s also telling, isn’t it?
And I also brought out my old buddy – the scale. She’s been my consistent companion for the whole journey. I know I said I wouldn’t weight myself until measurements were done, but I really needed a number today. 146.8 pounds. I’ve dropped. Good. There have been comments made in the last week to me about how I’m looking leaner, but I didn’t think much of it. I haven’t been trying to drop. I’ve been trying to grow muscle and loose a little fat, but mostly just maintain my weight. I’ve been eating a ton and lifting heavier. Each workout, I’m lifting a new personal record on something. This is why I can’t figure out why I’m not a good prospect for coaching. A few minutes of instruction and I soaked it up like a sponge. Implemented suggestions immediately, and in just two weeks, I’m seeing results. It’s ironic. Just as I feel like I’m making big leaps forward in my development, I have a setback in the program. Gotta shake it off and keep pushing forward.
I’m going to head to the gym in a little bit. No sleep? No matter. Workouts happen. My teaching might suck today, and I’m probably going to modify the back workout later, but I won’t skip workouts. I’m supposed to do dead lifts today. If I’m feeling weak from lack of sleep, that seems like a bad idea. I carry stress in my back and stress + tired + dead lifts, even light dead lifts today just seems like asking for an injury. I’ll do extra sets of pull ups. I like how my lats are coming in anyway. When I flare them, it makes my waist look smaller from behind. That was the plan. They could use a little more love.
Hahahahaha! I start out talking about fear and self doubt and end up talking about my new baby lat spread. I love it. This is why I blog. Work it all out…MOVE THE F__K ON.
This is going to be a great book if I ever do it.
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